soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
