She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
