Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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