that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
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