hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
True strength comes from lack of pants
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
