Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
My vagina just clenched in fear
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
