Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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