Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
May the power of my ass compel you!!
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
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