I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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