the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
