I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
