i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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