I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
