Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
