I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
