The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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