you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Randomize
