Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
