Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Randomize
