id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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