my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
