Old men and throwing up are my life now.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
