In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
