I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
