Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
i think i have two assholes
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
