she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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