I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
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