You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Randomize
