By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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