Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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