I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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