We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
