is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
