if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
time to smoke my breakfast
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize
