literally had 100 drinks last night.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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