We won't sleep together?
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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