I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
