oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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