hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize