I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
