I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
