i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
you win again, gameday.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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