Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Randomize
