btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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