he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I faked an abortion last night.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
You have to summon your inner elephant
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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