so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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