What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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