but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
He? As in you personified your dick?
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
