I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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