On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
