Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize