Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
