you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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