I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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