Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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