Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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