If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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