People in love make me want to vomit
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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