Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Randomize
