I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
